Attention Vampire Fans and Appreciators of Overdressed Ghouls in General!

Are you tired of what passes quality vampiric entertainment lately?

Do you find True Blood impossibly dumb?

Do the tedious antics of the Twilight twits make you want to drive a stake through their heads?

Then I’ve got the movie for you. It’s headed to the US in April.

OK, the title is pretty dang pretentious but bear with me here. It’s called Only Lovers Left Alive and, not only is it a damn good vampire flick, it’s one of celebrated director Jim Jarmusch’s best films. It stars Tom “Loki from Those Thor Movies” Hiddleston and Tilda Swinton as two vamps that have been together for centuries.

It’s the sort of tale I’ve been wanting to come across for years and it elegantly explains how much of a flippin’ drag it would be immortal. Centuries of living have rendered Hiddleston’s character as world weary as it gets. They’re the most intelligent couple on the planet and there’s broad hints throughout the film that vampires are secretly responsible for everything from the works of Shakespeare to the inventions of Tesla. What do you do when you’re the smartest creatures alive but you’re beholden to repetitious mistakes of history and can’t do squat about it?

Hiddelston, who is holed up in a rotting house in an abandoned neighborhood, spends much of film muttering about how stupid humans are when he isn’t buzzing around the streets of Detroit in a vintage sports car fueled by Tesla tech. These scenes, which include hypnotic shots of the ravages of the Motor City, are flippin’ gorgeous.

Like much of Jarmusch’s movies, not much happens but the dialog and performance are all great and I dare say there’s more plot and thought in its 122 minutes than the entirety of those god awful Twilight movies. The soundtrack is killer too and John Hurt shows up as an undead Christopher Marlowe that’s still pissed that Billy Shakes got all the credit for the plays he penned. It might be too languid for most viewers and it’s goofy n’ pompous (what vampire movie isn’t?) but I loved the hell out of it. In a perfect world, this the movie all the world’s goth tweens would pour over.

Here’s the trailer.

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