Believe it or not, this is a line from The Smurfs, the universally reviled cinematic rehash of the beloved ’80s cartoon show and Belgian comic strip. I found myself getting sucked into the tractor beam of the film’s marketing last month when these posters started popping up around the Netherlands.
Now I knew The Smurfs was terrible. Every critic in the known universe tried to warn me away from the film but this didn’t quell my curiosity. How bad could it really be? I had to know. Seeing The Smurfs had become a challenge, an endurance test. I decided I’d live tweet the movie as I watched a cam copy I found on The Pirate Bay. After all, it’s not like the producers needed my Euros. As we speak, those little blue socialists are raking in the dough and a sequel has already been green-lit. Or, in this case, should that be *blue* lit?
I put on the film last night at the stroke of nine and started tweeting. Some of my Twitter followers rooted me on while others recoiled in horror and blocked my account. Here, for the sake of posterity, is a recap. How far did I make it into The Smurfs? How many followers did I lose in the ensuing melee? Read on to find out….
The bells here in Leiden are tolling. It’s the top of the hour. 9 PM CET, 3 PM EST, noon PST. It’s go time…er, SMURF TIME! #smurfs
I found some last minute alcohol. I’ll be drinking “Smurf Berry juice” through this stunt. Well, honey wine. Close enough, no?
Please remember: do not try this at home or in a movie theater. I am a trained professional. #thesmurfs
OK…..3….2….1 The Columbia logo is up and The Smurfs has begun!
OH GOD! IT’S HORRIBLE! I’M IN OVER MY HEAD! GOOD GOD! WHAT HAVE I DONE TO MYSELF! THE PAIN! #14secondsin
“A place where even feeling blue is a happy thing!” This narration is making soul want to puke while crying.
The enchanted land where the Smurfs live is a hideous, CGI nightmare. Like a cut scene from an early Playstation game in 1995.
The Smurfs are singing their “La! La! La!” song with hippie drums providing accompaniment. I thought they were socialists, not hippies.
“What do you get when you cross a Smurf with a cow? BLUE CHEESE!” Thanks, Jokey Smurf. Thanks.
I guess there’s a Scottish Smurf now. He wears a blue kilt and has orange mutton chops. #thisisawful
OMG, is that James Lipton playing a Smurf? I guess he’s Narration Smurf.
The Smurfs are CGI cartoons but Azrael is played by a combination of a cat and a photo-real cat. I wish I was watching Garfield the Movie.
I’m missing vital plot points. Gargamel is unveiling his devious plan. Something about fart jokes. I’ve survived 8 minutes. #thesmurfs
Papa Smurf sounds like sort of like Wilfred Brimley. Man, I hope he starts talking about diabetes.
Smurf Village is hidden by the world’s most half-assed force field. Good job, Papa Smurf. #shouldacalledpotter
Scottish Smurf sounds like a fifth grader impersonating Shrek. That’s the level of quality we’re talking about here.
The amount of Smurf puns in the first 10 minutes of this movie? 48.
Or should that be Smurf metaphors? Slang? This movie is erasing everything I learned in junior high.
I’ve just lost a follower due to this ridiculousness. How many more will The Smurfs movie cost me?
Katy Perry is doing the voice of Smurfette. Yeah….
“I’m choosing to be pessi-Smurf-stic.” Yeah, me too, Scotty Smurf. Me too.
Neil Patrick Harris’ character works in fashion. At least Hollywood didn’t make him play against type for a change.
The Smurfs are riding on a top of a cab in Manhattan, keeping themselves hidden next to an ad for The Blue Man Group. Get it? Har-de-har.
They’re now off-screen and ooing and awing over the sights and sounds of Manhattan. It sounds like they’re having Smurf-gasms.
NPH’s character is, apparently, the only straight guy working in NYC fashion. And his wife is preggers. Interesting… #thesmurfs
Gargomel is stroking a lock of Smurfette’s hair, calling it “golden ambrosia.” Ummm…. #thisissubversive
…and now he’s trying to mix a potion in a the toilet of a Port-a-Potty. I think this movie is going to give me ulcers.
I will say this. Hank Azaria can do a pretty dang great Gargomel impersonation.
It took this movie 25 minutes to do a “Smurf in a toilet” gag. I guess I should be impressed.
Yeah, and this movie was # 1 at the American box office a weekend or two back.
Naw, it’s a New York thing. I guess you can turn them into gold in toilets. in Manhattan.
I’ve given up the glass and now I’m drinking straight from the bottle. 28 minutes down, 62 to go.
Katy Perry’s Smurfette is singing the “La! La! La!’ Smurf song off key. No, really.
I’m all about safety over here. If I feel like I’m having a heart attack, I’ll walk away.
The Smurfs think Google is magic. And toasters. And toilets.
You can, literally, see Neil Patrick Harris’ mentally count the money he’s making during every minute he’s on screen.
Smurfette just called NPH “Smurf-a-licious!” I need to drink more.
I’m sooooo jealous. I WISH I was at the DEQ right now.
Ok, the gag where Gargomel encounters a group of Manhattanites wearing Blue Tooth headsets isn’t bad.
At least she isn’t wearing body glitter. Yet.
The Smurfs mode of travel through NYC: blending in with the ads on top of cabs. First the Blue Man Group, now Blue Ray.
Glad to hear that *real* Smurfs are enjoying this commentary!
NPH just stuffed Smurfs down his pants. And I thought Gargomel was a perv. #thesmurfs @smurfs
I understand. I’ll be done in an hour. Or dead by then.
I’ve just lost my second follower. She wrote me a nice message. She can’t handle people even talking about this movie.
Smurfette just said, “I kissed a Smurf and I liked it!” No, really. This movie just made that joke.
Gargomel just used magic to reverse the age of a woman and make her boobs bigger. #thesmurfs
If I die tonight, point the cops towards Smurf Village. Thanks!
Gargomel just interrupted a meeting at a fancy restaurant by urinating in a champagne urn. #thesmurfs
That’s the 36th potty joke.
One of the Smurfs just made a Midnight Cowboy reference while jumping through traffic. I guess they get AMC in Smurf Village. #thesmurfs
The Smurfs just arrived at FAO Schwartz for five minutes of product placements. Barbie, M&Ms, etc. #thesmurfs
They even managed to work in an Ugly Doll into this scene. One Smurf, drunk on candy, is talking to a green M&M doll. #thesmurfs
Hey, I’m the one watching this movie. If anybody should be puking, it’s me.
Yeah, he tied up NPH at one point. I think he’s all ‘roided up.
Azrael is getting the crap kicked out of him in this movie. I wonder how many kitties are being tortured by kids who have seen this movie.
A cop just shot Gargomel in the crotch with a stun gun. Head hurts, my stomach is churning, don’t know how much more I can take. #thesmurfs
NPH, in a CBGB’s shirt, is playing Guitar Hero with the Smurfs and they’re singing a Smurf version of “Walk This Way.” MY EYES! #thesmurfs
They worked their “La! La! La!” song into the solo. Yeah, it’s the Run DMC version.
WOAH! The Smurfs movie just made a gang rape joke about Smurfette. No, seriously, it did. #thesmurfs
The Smurfs are now learning how to send email. FUCK IT, I’M OUT!#thesmurfs
I lasted 57 minutes and 55 seconds. Sorry, folks, I just couldn’t get through the entirety of The Smurfs. #thesmurfs
I’m going to go soak my wounds and recover with Dexter. God, this movie is horrible. Also: I lost 5 followers while doing this.
So this concludes my attempt to watch The Smurfs movie. I think it may have taken years off my life ala the machine in The Princess Bride.
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